Ghana TV Replaces Local Prime Time News With News From Mexican TV

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The National Communications Authority (NCA) has reportedly given the go-ahead for a number of Ghanaian television stations to begin airing dubbed news bulletin from a Mexican television station.

This means that Ghana’s one and only “Proudly African” television station- TV Africa and “The station of the nation”- Ghana Television (GTV) will both scrap their prime time local news bulletins and replace them with news broadcast from a Mexican news channel. A joint statement allegedly issued by the directors of the two Ghanaian media houses said, “It is with much joy and excitement that we inform you, our valued viewers, that we will no longer broadcast local news reports. We have a cheaper option to air news bulletins from a Mexican TV station. We must however warn viewers that most of the news content will be local Mexican news, but it is news nonetheless.” Although the original content coming from the Latin American country will be in Spanish, directors of GTV and TV Africa have assured all viewers that they will be dubbed in English. They were however quick to add that, like the many cheap Mexican telenovelas that dominate Ghanaian TV screens, the translation to English will be mostly inaccurate.

The statement continues, “We are aware of the fact that the Ghanaian public and more importantly, our valued viewers are extremely grateful to us for the numerous Mexican telenovas we have been beaming onto their TV screens over the years. Never mind that these telenovas are badly dubbed or the fact they undermine our cultural make-up or even consider the fact that cutting out local content on TV in favour of these cheap foreign shows retards the development of the Ghanaian film and media industry. We had these telenovelas for cheap and Ghanaians fell in love with them, sending our viewership rating through the roof. With Mexican news now airing at prime time, we expect our rating to double in the coming weeks.”

Our sources also indicate that TV3, VIASAT 1 and Metro TV are currently in talks with a Filipino news channel to relay daily newscast to their Ghanaian viewers.

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‘Ayittey-Power’ Added To Oxford Dictionary

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Oxford Dictionaries Online has this morning announced that a new word, ‘ayittey-power’ has been added to the Oxford Dictionary of English.

The new word, ‘ayittey-power’, means ‘citing a bogus spiritual reason to deliberately pull out of an agreement or go back on a promise.’ A statement from the Oxford Dictionaries Online Press Office said, “This new word was coined from the name of a Ghanaian boxer, Ayittey Powers, who has recently featured prominently in the news for trumping up excuses to pull out of a scheduled fight. Disappointed Ghanaian boxing fans took to various social media platforms to vent their anger, causing the boxer’s name to trend online. The first oral usage of the word ‘ayittey-power’ is however unclear but our monitoring team confirms ‘ayittey-power’ has generated enough currency and usage frequency to warrant addition to our new words.”

In Other News…..

The government of Ghana will ayittey-power its promise to repay the nation’s external debt. The decision was taken after the government’s spiritual advisor, Reverend Archbishop Major General Dr. Judas, who is also the founder and CEO of Holy Gospel Anointed Mountain Of Abundant Faith and Blessings International Believers Ministries, reportedly advised against honouring any debt repayment commitments because the spirit finds scheduled repayment dates to be unfavourable.

The senior nation team, the Black Stars, is also considering ayittey-powering it’s World Cup commitment. The Reverend Archbishop Major General Dr. Judas is rumoured to have again advised the team to pull out of the prestigious competition because the spirit finds the tournament dates unfavourable.

YesiYesi pledges never to ayittey-power our promise to bring you daily exclusives.

 

 

 

 

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YesiYesi Ghana is a satire/spoof news publication . All articles contained within this blog, however similar to real events, are fictitious. When public figures are mentioned by name, the corresponding story details are invented. In all other cases, any resemblance to actual persons or events is entirely coincidental

 

 

New Scheme To Ease Traffic In Accra

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It is true when they say help comes from unexpected places, and in this particular instance, from the most unexpected place. The residents of Accra who consistently bemoan the impenetrable traffic congestion in the city can breathe easy, help is on the way!

The smart cookies at the Accra Metropolitan Assembly (AMA)  and the Electricity Company of Ghana (ECG) have allegedly devised a scheme to ease vehicular traffic within major parts of the capital. The Vehicular Traffic Load Shedding Scheme, is the product of years of high level planning between the metropolitan authority and ECG- the nation’s most loved corporate entity.

The scheme which will be rolled out on a month’s trial basis, will involve regulating the number of cars allowed into Accra’s commercial district based on a colour code. The colour of a vehicle will determine if it will be allowed or refused entry into the heart of the city. A carefully drawn up timetable produced by scheduling experts at the Electricity Company of Ghana clearly outlines what colour vehicles will be allowed into the city on a particular day.

A copy of the timetable has been published below to alert drivers on when they can and cannot drive into the city.

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Explaining the scheme, an insider at ECG said, “Like the dumsor timetable, we have invested a lot of time into making this as straightforward as possible. On a Monday for example, between 0600-1800 hrs, only red coloured vehicles will be allowed into the central district of the city and between 1800 hrs Monday evening and 0600 hrs Tuesday morning, only brown vehicles will be allowed in. If you have a multicoloured vehicle, we will go with the most predominant colour on the vehicle.”

Questioned about vehicle colours not captured on the timetable, he retorted, “Tough luck! It’s either you repaint your vehicles to fit the scheme or you park your car at home. Simple!”

 

 

 

 

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YesiYesi Ghana is a satire/spoof news publication . All articles contained within this blog, however similar to real events, are fictitious. When public figures are mentioned by name, the corresponding story details are invented. In all other cases, any resemblance to actual persons or events is entirely coincidental

 

 

G8- Russia Out Ghana In

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Ghana has replaced Russia in the G8 group of nations after the leaders of the world’s largest industrial countries suspended collaboration with Russia in response to the annexation of Crimea.

The leaders of G7 released a joint statement earlier this morning confirming Ghana’s inclusion. “We welcome Ghana into this elite group. Germany is particularly excited to have another ‘G’ nation around the table to even things out with the ‘U’ nations- US and UK. We needed some Gentle diplomacy to counter the Ultra hawkish leaders, and Ghana turned out to be the perfect choice. Apart from the fact that it was previously called the Gold Coast, Ghana is also well known for its long standing involvement in international diplomacy.”

Ghanaian president, John Mahama is expected to join his counterparts from the US, UK, France, Germany, Italy, Canada and Japan in The Hague as the group meets to discuss the Crimean crisis.

Our sources allege President Mahama will, among other things, propose to send 5 Ablekuma land guards to secure every patch of Ukrainian land as Moscow continues its build-up of troops along Ukraine’s eastern border. The President will also use the opportunity to hold talks with the Japanese Prime Minister on the recent gambling scandal involving Ghana’s Ambassador to Japan.

The Ghanaian Foreign Minister will also push for the planned G8 summit in June in Sochi to be moved to Senchi, Ghana. “The names are quite similar sounding; many delegates would not even notice the difference, the only give away will be the abundant sunshine in Senchi as opposed to the snow in Sochi,” he explained.

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YesiYesi Ghana is a satire/spoof news publication . All articles contained within this blog, however similar to real events, are fictitious. When public figures are mentioned by name, the corresponding story details are invented. In all other cases, any resemblance to actual persons or events is entirely coincidental

Ripped Off In Little Tokyo

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Ghana’s Ambassador to Japan, Mr Edmund Deh, has allegedly been recalled to Accra to head the government’s new anti-fraud unit.

A statement purportedly released by the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Regional Integration said, “Mr. Deh’s appointment comes following recommendations from the Japanese Police and an unknown Japanese gambling syndicate. The ambassador is certainly the man for the job, he is detail-oriented, thorough and on most occasions, meticulous to a fault. He is the kind of man who likes to dot his T’s and cross his I’s.”

“Mr. Deh can smell scams and forgeries a mile away. And this is exactly the kind of professional skill set we need within the anti-fraud unit. We hope he will bring his experiences to bear as the government takes a lead role in the fight against scammers and fraudsters.”

As head of this special anti-fraud unit, Mr. Deh will lead government’s efforts to crackdown on illegal gambling in the country. The ambassador, who counts attention to detail as one of his strong points, will also be tasked with double checking all government contracts and legal documents before the president or any other government official signs the dotted line.

 

 

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Azonto Fiasco: The Azonto For Gas Deal

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The government of Ghana has allegedly signed off the intellectual property rights on Azonto -the popular Ghanaian dance routine- to the people of Nigerian in exchange for uninterrupted supply of natural gas.

This Ghanaian- well formerly Ghanaian- dance which involves elaborate arm, hip and foot twisting, has in recent times, taken over dancefloors not just across Africa but across Europe, the US and parts of Asia. Nigerians have, on various platforms, unsuccessfully attempted to lay claim to Azonto, highlighting the long-running cultural rivalry which underpins the relationship between the two West African neighbours. A jubilant Nigerian government official remarked, “Look, my broda, this a big day for Nigeria! For years we have made failed attempts to deceive the world into believing Azonto originated from Naija, we even tried to re-brand it with a Naija name, Alingo; that didn’t work too well. But thanks to the Oga up there, we can finally say we own the copyrights to Azonto!

The deal which was signed after long-winded negotiations between Ghanaian and Nigerian government officials is expected to boost Electricity Company Ghana’s ability to keep lights on for an extra 30 minutes each day. Ghana has endured a period of little or no supply of natural gas, albeit we have a contract with Nigerian to supply 123MMBtu per day to fuel the Sunon Asogli Power Plant.

Reports indicate the Nigerian government will soon issue takedown notices to all YouTube users who have uploaded any Azonto videos. Under the new ownership, anyone who wishes to use the name, Azonto, or perform the dance move will have to pay a fee. Also, an injunction has been issued prohibiting Asamoah Gyan, Kevin Prince Boateng or any member of the Black Stars from performing the dance move as part of their goal celebrations at this year’s World Cup.

A very displeased Ghanaian who spent last night in darkness opined, “So we have signed over the rights of our beloved Azonto for them to supply just 50MMBtu/d- whatever that means! In any case that is less than half of the amount of natural gas they are expected to supply under the original contract! Next time they’ll be asking us to bear the shame for all their 419 activities for a few more pumps of natural gas.”

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YesiYesi Ghana is a satire/spoof news publication . All articles contained within this blog, however similar to real events, are fictitious. When public figures are mentioned by name, the corresponding story details are invented. In all other cases, any resemblance to actual persons or events is entirely coincidental.